Get It Quietly

Football, bollocks and a bit of poker if you're lucky.

Location: Enfield, London, United Kingdom

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Bloggers' Handicap

This Pokerstars Blogging tournament is looking less and less value every day. Currently over 1000 runners, and still two weeks to go. Now, what's interesting about this (to me) is that the winner does receive an entry into a WPT tournament, and so one would assume that Pokerstars would invite the winner to blog his experience there. The trouble is though, you don't want some nob-end whingeing about bad beats or saying "and then Phil Hellmuth sat down and I had to run to the toilet I was so scared".

What should be done ? Well I think the answer is very simple. Pokerstars should use a (fairly) simple metric for evaluating the coolness or sucktitude of each blogger who applies, and amending their starting stack in the tournament accordingly. Out of sheer public spiritedness, I am taking the liberty to put together my own metric, as follows. Please feel free to add your own suggestions. I definitely need some more + and - keywords.

1) Basic writing technique

Who wants to wade through endless unparagraphed ill-punctuated "i couldnt believe it he shoudl never of called". All blogs should be marked by a panel of English teachers. -10 chips per spelling mistake, grammatical or punctuation error. -20 chips per misuse of apostrophe or for lack of paragraphs. -30 chips for using "of" instead of "have" where appropriate.

2) Keywords. Simple, you could put together an automatic script to run through each blog, scoring the following words, phrases or acronyms :

+20 chips : GIQ, YBA, jopke, coup, nip (-ping, -per, -ped etc), all swearing (double chips for cunt), slept all afternoon, Action Dave, hagiography, cross-booking, whore (bonus or otherwise), sicko, sucktitude.

-20 chips : crapshoot, donkey, swear words partially starred out (-double chips for c**t), baby, Rounders, derivatives, the Cadillac of Poker, relationship.

3) Ipod selection. For each of the following artists the bloggers listens to while playing poker :

+20 chips : Tori Amos, Megadeth, Bjork, Tone Loc, Future Sound Of London, Johnny Cash, Ned's Atomic Dustbin, The Carpenters

-20 chips : Hootie and the Blowfish, Kansas, Simply Red, Phil Collins, The Judds, Winger

4) Sports Betting. For each sports betting tip on the blog that was verifiably posted before the event in question, 10 chips are effectively wagered on the event. So if a 2-1 shot came in, +20 chips, if it lost -10 chips. -100 chips if blog contains no sports betting tips (wuss)

5) Crimes of poker stupidity. -100 chips for any post along the following lines :

- I do better against good players
- Survival is all-important in tournaments
- Any suggestion that value in tournaments equates solely to the number of runners
- Implying that someone with one tournament result to their name is a great player
- I won the seat in a satellite so it didn't cost me anything
- Folding Aces pre-flop
- Apparently sincere belief that blogger is destined to win the WSOP
- Bad beat stories (naturally)
- Double penalty for bad beat story that criticises opponent's play. Further penalty of -100 chips for each use of "donkey", "how could he call with" or "these idiots are impossible to beat"
- Boastful account of one's own angle-shooting or gloating over defeated opponent
- Internet poker is rigged. In fact, forfeit all chips for this. It's no loss, because they know you're on to them so they're never going to let you win anyway.

6) Heroes and villains. +50 chips for ripping the piss out of any of the following. -50 chips for sincere praise or adulation. -100 points for "he's a nice guy really" style excuses.

- Phil Hellmuth (counts double as the jopker)
- Annie Duke
- Antonio Esfandiari (chips multiplied by 1.4)
- Craig Grant (you never thought you'd see Craig in such company)
- The Unabomber
- Dave Welch
- Harrah's (the cunts)
- Party Poker (likewise)

7) There's more to life than poker. Chips added or removed for posts on the following topics :

- getting out of it on the dice +100 chips
- crashing women-only tournaments in drag +300 chips
- wacky sidebets with travelling companions +50 chips
- insane neo-con rants -100 chips. Link to other insane neo-con rants -200 chips. By Mark Steyn -300 chips (sorry David, you were doing so well !)
- lapdancing/strip club stories +50 chips
- poker story from the old days +50 chips. Featuring violence +100 chips.
- The Premiership is bollocks +100 chips
- Reality TV -100 chips (except when betting on)
- flaming organised religion +100 chips
- interspersing pro-religious views with tales of sick gambling -200 chips (I'm looking at you Daniel Negreanu)

8) And of course ....

- photographic evidence of blogger scoring goal at Loftus Road + 100000000 chips. What was first prize again ?


Anonymous PeterB said...

What I find most worrying about all of this is that you are actually checking on how many runners there are for this thing. Second-most worrying is that you know the date.

What are you worrying about? Of the 3,000 runners, 1,500 won't turn up, another 500 will turn up on the wrong day, and 997 won't know the rules. Of the remaining three, I haven't got the faintest idea what I am doing and couldn't win a coin-toss in a tournament if it jumped up and bit me; you are the luckiest online git in Christendom; and Bill Purle will be playing in two other "proper" tournaments at the same time.

Game over. Now, stop acting like a geek and do something useful. Go on a three-hour search for some $50 overlays, just like any other online ... hmm now, where was I?


9:10 PM  
Blogger Andy_Ward said...

Incomprehensible posts about derivatives, insurance etc. -150 chips.

Andy :-)

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Richard said...

Posts about not being able to keep your eyes open during a comp -300 points

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megadeth? Have you still got the guitar from when you were 15 or something?

3:50 PM  
Blogger Andy_Ward said...

:-) I didn't get into Megadeth until a few years later. 15 would have been the Iron Maiden years. I probably still have the tennis racket somewhere !


4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You would still find a way to piss those chips away and come out with the old "well you have to try and win the thing"crap you use to excuse your exits.

The door is this way========>

1:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant, except for megadeath, -10 chips (token fine)

9:29 AM  
Blogger Frode said...

Haircut 100: + 50 points.
Nick Heyward solo album: - 20 points and 20 min penalty.

11:03 PM  
Blogger Big Dave D said...

I think good ol' days and violence should have more points.

Certainly not sure about the ipod music list :(


11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have totted up the scores and Kevin Gallen has won a WPT entry.

2:38 PM  

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